The Great Foosball Heist

Hello All! Actually, since this is my first blog post, I should say "Hello Nobody!" Before I get into the subject of my first post, I should give an explanation for my sudden need for this blog. First, I have a tremendous ego and I feel that everything I say should be made available to the world without the hassle of me getting up and speaking to actual human beings. More importantly, I have noticed over the last few months that there are some things that I have witnessed that are just too funny or fantastic to capture in a simple facebook post. These ideas have stirred within me until tonight, when I witnessed an event that I must tell the whole world about...

As an introduction, I attend Wabash College. It is an all male college in Crawfordsville, Indiana. Basically, it's a tiny school in a small town in a cornfield. People often ask me, "Why do you go to an all-guys school?" I don't know. I wasn't really thinking about it during the application process. I think most guys go to Wabash to avoid the fact that they've had some bad luck with girls in high school. But I digress (I've always wanted to say that, but I digress). Anyway, I'm a junior and by now, most college antics don't really attract much of my attention. I've seen a lot by this point. Tonight though, I witnessed an event which simultaneously made me laugh and fear for the future of humanity. It was what can only be called The Great Foosball Heist.

So, I was hanging out with some friends in one of the dorms, Martindale. As I was exiting the back door to return to my own dorm, College Hall (a very specific name for a college dorm), I saw four freshmen who shall remain nameless (because I don't know them) attempting to steal one of Martindale's foosball tables. I wish I could claim to be witness to one of those meaningless, yet cunning and elaborate pranks that goes down in college folklore. I wish I could say this, but I can't. What I saw was four freshmen who, for reasons unknown, decided that it would not be in their best interests to carry this heavy piece of equipment across the ramped walkway out of the Martindale property. Instead, these four Wabash gentlemen thought it would be a better idea to hoist this foosball table over a five-foot concrete wall. Naturally, they got stuck. Three freshmen, living in Martindale, spotted them and threatened all kinds of meaningless things like videotaping them and showing the Dean (with an imaginary video camera, I guess). Mostly, they just complained. Somehow or other, the four bandits managed to overcome their unnecessary obstacles, jump over the wall and make off into the night.

As I made my way back to the dorm, I heard something in the direction of Grant Street. So, I walked quietly over and spotted it. Four guys carrying a foosball table by the side of the road. As cars drove by, they made a great effort to appear inconspicuous. Whenever a car would drive by, the four sly bandits would set the foosball table down and look the other way, a sure sign of innocence. Anyway, I watched them for a while, until they finally made it to their destination. They brought it through the front door of College Hall! You can imagine how overjoyed I was to discover that my dorm was getting a new foosball table. I was so excited that I went back to my room and checked my email.

For those of you growing weary of this story, I must tell you that there is a Part II. Be happy, there's no Part III. A few minutes after this whole ordeal, I heard a loud thumping noise just outside my door. I walked outside to see what was going on, when, to my great surprise, it was the three Martindale freshmen returning to serve justice upon the evildoers! They had discovered the lair of the four thieves, broken in, and reclaimed their precious foosball table. They then proceeded to jam their prize into the narrow side entrance, creating not victory, but a fire hazard. I felt pity for the poor freshman attempting to wiggle the table through a hole narrower than it. In my moment of sympathy, I advised him to use the front door instead. He didn't take my advice. Instead, he abandoned the table, ran down the block to Martindale, grabbed a screwdriver, ran back to College Hall, and disassembled the foosball table. I did not follow him back, but I can imagine him returning to his room with pieces of plastic in his hands, air in his head, and pride in his heart.

I managed to talk with some of the seven freshmen who played roles in this Great Foosball Heist. I wish I could say they were drunk. It would make me feel much safer if they were. No, these men were just dumb. But even so, I believe these men have taught us something important. I will close with one final statement that you should take with you wherever you go. Always remember, that with hard work and determination, you can succeed at even your dumbest ideas.